The Million Dollar Question.

I am not liked. This is not something new. I have experienced the harsh words and judgment of others before. The thing is, before my antagonists were just in my English class, or a friend of a friend, or some other easily-ignorable person. This time, the people who love to loathe me are my coworkers, co-livers, co-lifers. We all spend our time in the GOT with only each other, and when one person (read: me) feels comfortable expressing a differing opinion, they are suddenly transformed into a defector who is hell bent on crushing the beautiful thing the group has built.

Just call me Hulk.

I have tried to allow the GOT to retain its structure and 'prestige' by not voicing every single concern/comment/question within the group. I have been frustrated, yes, but I have also attempted to take some sort of healthy approach to this experience. Looking back at past posts you can see that I do not only rant about my experience, but rather explain that perhaps are the lessons I am going to learn differ from those intended. I continue to believe that what I'm going to take away from this experience is a deeper understanding of the "closed-minded liberal" and "over-zealous activist." When I attempt to dispel these characterizations, I am only met with further proof that they are true to this case.

I have asked the coordinators of the program if they want me to leave. I have volunteered to do work outside the GOT for the remainder of the program. But, in my defense, I have never tried to convince other students to join my "side" and share my opinions. I have never voiced these opinions in the classroom. I have never done anything to keep other GOT members from having their own experience, whether positive or negative. Please remember this, because I'm only the "problem" that you make me. I am staying, and I am here to learn. Hopefully you are too.

Also!

I added pictures to my Flickr account, so if you're more of a visual learner, click that little slideshow to the right! There are pictures of me dressed as a tree, adorable sea otters at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, and, uh, other stuff that I can't remember! Check it out! Now! Go!

I've Run Away

I really needed to get out of San Francisco, Greenpeace, everything. I've been having such a hard time expressing myself and feeling understood/validated, and so I hopped a train and ran away to my grandma's house. I did this about two months ago when my grandpa died too, and it's amazingly therapeutic. My mom is here too, so I have double the support system. It's also nice to have people to talk to about my concerns/issues who don't have any pre-conceived notions or agendas. I just need to talk. To sleep. To think.

I'm learning so much more about interpersonal relationships during this semester than I am about activism. I think these lessons are much harder to learn, but I still believe they are beneficial. Plus, these inadvertent lessons are in the context of activism, so I guess it's all intertwined.

I'm at Panera right now working on stuff for my credit back at school. It's strangely satisfying to complete concrete tasks for actual, tangible credit. In an admittedly age-inappropriate way, I miss organized education. It's so easy to organize my life when I have a set structure and tasks and a plan. I miss knowing what's coming up, what's going to happen. I never know explicitly what I'm doing within the GOT until I'm in the midst of doing it, which really makes my brain jelloid. This is because I am actually 35 years old. I did warn you that my musings are age inappropriate though.

In personal news, I chopped off my hair (again). Everyone in the office keeps asking me if it feels weird, but, as old buds know, my grow-out was the weird phase, not the chopped-off part. What I'm trying to say is, I feel like me again. Hair-wise at least. We'll see when I can return to my planned to a T life ... I'm thinking May.

Ending a Lot of Things.

Today is the fifth anniversary of the war, and in San Francisco there are a lot of events going on in protest. Our GOT group was assigned to participate in a snake march through downtown, which we were to organize ourselves and participate in as a group not from Greenpeace, but rather just in support of the protest as a whole.

And yeah, I did say assigned.

I was kind of confused about this action, but I went along with it because I saw it as a job that I was asked to do. I'm not saying that I begrudgingly did something I didn't want to, or that I'm a blind follower, or anything like that. Because the way I see it is that there was never a choice. I was asked to do something, and I was going to do it. I could go into all the reasons why I think this was not an appropriate task to ask of us, or my personal political beliefs, but I think that today, and most days in liberal America, are basically a deluge of people's political opinions.

So this morning I'm getting up and ready to go, when I'm approached about my ability to walk down the street, because I might get uncomfortable and freak out and ruin it for everyone. See, we made a pact as a group to all leave if one person felt uncomfortable, and I guess that person was destined to be me. Yes, I am a survivor of sexual assault. Yes, I do often feel uncomfortable in crowded, public situations. BUT, that is what anti-anxiety medication is for! (joke, ish.) Plus, I'll have you know that I never really feel safe or comfortable. That's just part of my life though, like how some people have allergies or are nearsighted. I deal with it every day, and the fact that I can live a normal life is testament to my ability to "test my comfort levels" and do my job.

Anyway, I'm not at the march today. I'm at home. Because I'm apparently not strong enough to take a stand or support my group. Honestly? The fact that I'm still here is proof that I'm strong enough to deal with all kinds of bullshit from all kinds of people. So please don't tell me that I need to stretch my comfort zone, because I'm stretched so thin I feel like I'm going to snap at any moment.

I Don't Brush My Teeth Anymore

Ok, the title of this post is kind of a fib, because I do brush my teeth. I just do it like two times a week instead of two times a day. In my past life (Pre-GOT) I used to brush sometimes three or four times a day. I'm really into fresh breath.

The point of the above ramblings is that I'm losing my mind. I can't even remember to brush my teeth anymore, until I'm standing in the bathroom and I realize that I haven't opened the cabinet (where the brush is kept) since last Tuesday. I think this lack of dental hygiene could also explain my negative mood of late...

I want to start writing about things that I think are positive more, so that I can focus on happiness, but also so that you all don't think I'm depressive and a danger to myself. For example, today we talked about the global warming campaign, Project Hot Seat. I, for some reason, think this is a better campaign for me than Kleercut. Mainly because we're going into an actual community to try and influence a legislator instead of going to a college campus, but also because I think a different scene could help alter my mood. Plus, I've never been to Arizona, and I think it could be really interesting.

Also, I'm going to post this picture from my recent trip to the Monterey Bay Aquarium with Mama T. FYI: We had a blast and a half.

Ok Guys. Let's Get Really Real.

So the blog is making the rounds all over the universe, and is being met with many a different reaction! Imagine! Me! Stirring the pot!

But seriously, I've been thinking/ranting about this for about two hours now, and I've come to some conclusions that I think I need to get out there:

1. I do edit my thoughts on this blog. Yes, I know that the internet is available to all people and that anyone can read this (hello murderers and thieves!). I'm a very open and emotional person, and I share that in this blog. A lot. I also cry about every day, because of happiness and/or sadness. It's just who I am.

2. This is not just a place for me to talk about myself (although it is that), it's also part of my senior thesis for the ol' university. Yeah, all you GP people will be in it, but I will continue to shield your identities.

3. If you think that I'm sharing too much about you or something about you, tell me! I'll edit it! I will never edit my feelings or thoughts, but if I am making you uncomfortable, I'm never going to figure it out myself, so bribe me and we'll see what we can do! (Kidding. But only about the bribes)

4. I've cried a lot today about a lot of things, but I cried tears of relief and joy when I read an email from someone that I got in response to the blog-shenanigans of the day. I'm going to be EXTRA-covert about identities now, so to that person, thank you so much.

This is all I'm going to talk about right now because my contacts are squealing to get out, and I should probably shower. Or maybe just put on sweatpants. Yeah, sweatpants cure everything.

Review

I was thinking about the rant I just posted and I kind of disagree with what I wrote. Well, I do agree with it, because I wrote it in the first place for a reason, but I'm feeling less drama-queeny about it. I realize that I need to stop obsessing over whether or not other people take me seriously and if I'm ever going to succeed at anything. I'm to immersed in my own life to realize that these things that I'm crying over at completely trivial.

We're supposed to make goals for the week for our work, and I always say something like, "be more tolerant of other people," when really in my mind it's something like, "impress someone, anyone, you loser!"

My new goal for the week is to honestly, truly, care less.

I'm still going to do what I need to do, and I'm going to do it with a freaking smile, but I'm going to put less pressure on myself and others to be so perfect all the time.

Me and GOT

I'm feeling more and more like the biggest thing I've gotten out of the Greenpeace Organizing Term is the knowledge that I don't want be in the Greenpeace Organizing Term.

Well, that's not entirely true or fair, but I find myself getting more frustrated than inspired, and I keep wondering if I would have been better off interning with the HRC or NOW. Those are causes that I truly believe in, and that's the work that I want to be doing as a career. I do care about trees and whales and stuff, so it's really the attitude of a lot of Greenpeacers that depresses me.

There is so much out-greening going on in this community - and it's starting to really grate on my nerves. There really is nothing you can say/do/use anymore that isn't beheading Mother Earth. I really don't see the benefit in attacking another person's lifestyle, especially when it's over something like a brand.

I also feel like it's not okay that I feel this way, which is incredibly frustrating. I keep getting these pitty-filled glances from those who have heard me voice these concerns. Seriously, I'll be okay. I doubt that this program or people were going to open my eyes to my eco-discretions anyway.

The pity plus the feeling that everyone thinks I'm mentally retarded is starting to make me feel disdain for my fellow GOTers as well as our coordinators. I seriously get treated like I'm stupid ten times a day. Is it because I make jokes? Is it because I use Kiehl's bath products? What about me is stupid?!?! Because it's certainly not my intellect.

This is also kind of a sore spot with me since a meeting last semester when a professor told me that I "didn't need to act like I am not smart." What is this air of stupidity that I exude? You should really tell me, because I have no idea.

I'm basically just so completely sick of other people believing that they know me or can understand from a word or look exactly how I'm feeling. YOU CAN'T. But you can read about it here. Bwahaha.

Hmmmm...

Last week really got my morale down, and this week I'm sick, so I'm basically just feeling crappy and a little homesick. Sorry I don't have more positive things to write, but there isn't really too much sunny to talk about besides the weather. It doesn't help that I still haven't adjusted to daylight savings, so when I'm ready to go to bed it's looks like 4pm, and when I wake up the sun is just a distant idea.

I think the reason I'm kind of losing enthusiasm in the program is that I've realized now that this is not the path I want to take in my life. I'm much more interested in human-based, person to person activism. That may also be why I want to go to law school, so that I can be an advocate for one person or a group of people. Plus, I think that "Phase 1" of our program beat me down, and I was ready for it to end about two weeks before it actually did.
Now we're on to Phase 2, which is more about entering actual communities and working with people on what I think is a more basic level. Before we were working on the Berkeley campus, which was a little isolated and just made me feel like I was back at home. Our Phase 2 trip is going to be in Tuscon, where we'll work within the community to influence a senator/congressperson/something or other to support Arizona's global warming bill. I'm hoping it will be nice just to be in an actual community instead of the Greenpeace bubble.

Phase 3 is the international trip, which is to Hamburg. Germany was the only place I wasn't really interested in going to, but now that I know we're going there I've changed my stance pretty quickly. I mean, it's just so nice to know where we're off to, and I definitely need time to adjust to all things, but especially travel. Plus, I talked to Connie at Berkeley, who's an ex-GOTer, and she said that the international trip is basically three or four things for Greenpeace, and the rest of the time you can do whatever you want. That sounds VERY nice right now, as I'm missing independence more and more.

I think too another reason this program is draining on me is that I just think very differently than the other people here. It's so easy to get over-zealous and jump on a soapbox when you're working for an organization like Greenpeace. Add to that the fact that all we do is Greenpeace stuff, all the time, and I can really understand how others in the program believe that their activism is all there is in the world. I guess I'm just separating myself from it (maybe too much), and I tend to see a bigger picture that includes all of humanity, society, and the world. I've gotten support on this from other people that work in the Greenpeace office, but within the program someone who shares this point of view is really hard to find. In that sense, I think it may be not-so-great that the GOT swallows people whole, because it's so important to have a life outside this, if only just to remind you that there IS something outside this.

At least I hope there is, because otherwise I'm just as preachy as the people I rant about! : )

The Campaign is OVER

The Kleercut campaign in Berkeley is over, and I'm SO glad. It was getting pretty stressful at times, and I never really felt like I could express my true feelings about it. I still don't think I can, actually. I had a "check-in" with one of my coordinators today and I'm not sure I was as completely honest as I prefer to be, and I definitely don't feel satisfied with what I expressed. I just didn't feel like I could truly criticize something that this person had essentially created, but that was what I wanted to do. Still, like it or not, this is basically a job, and my coordinators are my bosses, and if I want to get something out of them I need to keep certain things to myself.

Granted, I do share a lot more than the average bear. I seem to be getting in trouble for this lately, but the thing about being completely open and accepting of who you are is that you don't really care when people trash you for it. But this contradicts the paragraph above, which is my problem.

I just realized that this post is very cryptic and strange, but I think that's because I'm still processing the last two weeks and trying to figure out how I feel about the myriad of situations (both professional and personal) that are happening right now. I just need some time and space to chill and finally see the Project Runway finale and not have to pretend that I believe everything Greenpeace preaches at me.Rant/question of the week:
Tomorrow we're having a "day off" in Muir Woods to celebrate the end of the campaign - but is it really a day off if you're spending it with the people/program that you need a day off from?