I Don't Brush My Teeth Anymore

Ok, the title of this post is kind of a fib, because I do brush my teeth. I just do it like two times a week instead of two times a day. In my past life (Pre-GOT) I used to brush sometimes three or four times a day. I'm really into fresh breath.

The point of the above ramblings is that I'm losing my mind. I can't even remember to brush my teeth anymore, until I'm standing in the bathroom and I realize that I haven't opened the cabinet (where the brush is kept) since last Tuesday. I think this lack of dental hygiene could also explain my negative mood of late...

I want to start writing about things that I think are positive more, so that I can focus on happiness, but also so that you all don't think I'm depressive and a danger to myself. For example, today we talked about the global warming campaign, Project Hot Seat. I, for some reason, think this is a better campaign for me than Kleercut. Mainly because we're going into an actual community to try and influence a legislator instead of going to a college campus, but also because I think a different scene could help alter my mood. Plus, I've never been to Arizona, and I think it could be really interesting.

Also, I'm going to post this picture from my recent trip to the Monterey Bay Aquarium with Mama T. FYI: We had a blast and a half.

Ok Guys. Let's Get Really Real.

So the blog is making the rounds all over the universe, and is being met with many a different reaction! Imagine! Me! Stirring the pot!

But seriously, I've been thinking/ranting about this for about two hours now, and I've come to some conclusions that I think I need to get out there:

1. I do edit my thoughts on this blog. Yes, I know that the internet is available to all people and that anyone can read this (hello murderers and thieves!). I'm a very open and emotional person, and I share that in this blog. A lot. I also cry about every day, because of happiness and/or sadness. It's just who I am.

2. This is not just a place for me to talk about myself (although it is that), it's also part of my senior thesis for the ol' university. Yeah, all you GP people will be in it, but I will continue to shield your identities.

3. If you think that I'm sharing too much about you or something about you, tell me! I'll edit it! I will never edit my feelings or thoughts, but if I am making you uncomfortable, I'm never going to figure it out myself, so bribe me and we'll see what we can do! (Kidding. But only about the bribes)

4. I've cried a lot today about a lot of things, but I cried tears of relief and joy when I read an email from someone that I got in response to the blog-shenanigans of the day. I'm going to be EXTRA-covert about identities now, so to that person, thank you so much.

This is all I'm going to talk about right now because my contacts are squealing to get out, and I should probably shower. Or maybe just put on sweatpants. Yeah, sweatpants cure everything.

Review

I was thinking about the rant I just posted and I kind of disagree with what I wrote. Well, I do agree with it, because I wrote it in the first place for a reason, but I'm feeling less drama-queeny about it. I realize that I need to stop obsessing over whether or not other people take me seriously and if I'm ever going to succeed at anything. I'm to immersed in my own life to realize that these things that I'm crying over at completely trivial.

We're supposed to make goals for the week for our work, and I always say something like, "be more tolerant of other people," when really in my mind it's something like, "impress someone, anyone, you loser!"

My new goal for the week is to honestly, truly, care less.

I'm still going to do what I need to do, and I'm going to do it with a freaking smile, but I'm going to put less pressure on myself and others to be so perfect all the time.

Me and GOT

I'm feeling more and more like the biggest thing I've gotten out of the Greenpeace Organizing Term is the knowledge that I don't want be in the Greenpeace Organizing Term.

Well, that's not entirely true or fair, but I find myself getting more frustrated than inspired, and I keep wondering if I would have been better off interning with the HRC or NOW. Those are causes that I truly believe in, and that's the work that I want to be doing as a career. I do care about trees and whales and stuff, so it's really the attitude of a lot of Greenpeacers that depresses me.

There is so much out-greening going on in this community - and it's starting to really grate on my nerves. There really is nothing you can say/do/use anymore that isn't beheading Mother Earth. I really don't see the benefit in attacking another person's lifestyle, especially when it's over something like a brand.

I also feel like it's not okay that I feel this way, which is incredibly frustrating. I keep getting these pitty-filled glances from those who have heard me voice these concerns. Seriously, I'll be okay. I doubt that this program or people were going to open my eyes to my eco-discretions anyway.

The pity plus the feeling that everyone thinks I'm mentally retarded is starting to make me feel disdain for my fellow GOTers as well as our coordinators. I seriously get treated like I'm stupid ten times a day. Is it because I make jokes? Is it because I use Kiehl's bath products? What about me is stupid?!?! Because it's certainly not my intellect.

This is also kind of a sore spot with me since a meeting last semester when a professor told me that I "didn't need to act like I am not smart." What is this air of stupidity that I exude? You should really tell me, because I have no idea.

I'm basically just so completely sick of other people believing that they know me or can understand from a word or look exactly how I'm feeling. YOU CAN'T. But you can read about it here. Bwahaha.

Hmmmm...

Last week really got my morale down, and this week I'm sick, so I'm basically just feeling crappy and a little homesick. Sorry I don't have more positive things to write, but there isn't really too much sunny to talk about besides the weather. It doesn't help that I still haven't adjusted to daylight savings, so when I'm ready to go to bed it's looks like 4pm, and when I wake up the sun is just a distant idea.

I think the reason I'm kind of losing enthusiasm in the program is that I've realized now that this is not the path I want to take in my life. I'm much more interested in human-based, person to person activism. That may also be why I want to go to law school, so that I can be an advocate for one person or a group of people. Plus, I think that "Phase 1" of our program beat me down, and I was ready for it to end about two weeks before it actually did.
Now we're on to Phase 2, which is more about entering actual communities and working with people on what I think is a more basic level. Before we were working on the Berkeley campus, which was a little isolated and just made me feel like I was back at home. Our Phase 2 trip is going to be in Tuscon, where we'll work within the community to influence a senator/congressperson/something or other to support Arizona's global warming bill. I'm hoping it will be nice just to be in an actual community instead of the Greenpeace bubble.

Phase 3 is the international trip, which is to Hamburg. Germany was the only place I wasn't really interested in going to, but now that I know we're going there I've changed my stance pretty quickly. I mean, it's just so nice to know where we're off to, and I definitely need time to adjust to all things, but especially travel. Plus, I talked to Connie at Berkeley, who's an ex-GOTer, and she said that the international trip is basically three or four things for Greenpeace, and the rest of the time you can do whatever you want. That sounds VERY nice right now, as I'm missing independence more and more.

I think too another reason this program is draining on me is that I just think very differently than the other people here. It's so easy to get over-zealous and jump on a soapbox when you're working for an organization like Greenpeace. Add to that the fact that all we do is Greenpeace stuff, all the time, and I can really understand how others in the program believe that their activism is all there is in the world. I guess I'm just separating myself from it (maybe too much), and I tend to see a bigger picture that includes all of humanity, society, and the world. I've gotten support on this from other people that work in the Greenpeace office, but within the program someone who shares this point of view is really hard to find. In that sense, I think it may be not-so-great that the GOT swallows people whole, because it's so important to have a life outside this, if only just to remind you that there IS something outside this.

At least I hope there is, because otherwise I'm just as preachy as the people I rant about! : )

The Campaign is OVER

The Kleercut campaign in Berkeley is over, and I'm SO glad. It was getting pretty stressful at times, and I never really felt like I could express my true feelings about it. I still don't think I can, actually. I had a "check-in" with one of my coordinators today and I'm not sure I was as completely honest as I prefer to be, and I definitely don't feel satisfied with what I expressed. I just didn't feel like I could truly criticize something that this person had essentially created, but that was what I wanted to do. Still, like it or not, this is basically a job, and my coordinators are my bosses, and if I want to get something out of them I need to keep certain things to myself.

Granted, I do share a lot more than the average bear. I seem to be getting in trouble for this lately, but the thing about being completely open and accepting of who you are is that you don't really care when people trash you for it. But this contradicts the paragraph above, which is my problem.

I just realized that this post is very cryptic and strange, but I think that's because I'm still processing the last two weeks and trying to figure out how I feel about the myriad of situations (both professional and personal) that are happening right now. I just need some time and space to chill and finally see the Project Runway finale and not have to pretend that I believe everything Greenpeace preaches at me.Rant/question of the week:
Tomorrow we're having a "day off" in Muir Woods to celebrate the end of the campaign - but is it really a day off if you're spending it with the people/program that you need a day off from?

To Do: Smoke Less Crack

Did you hear the news? It's March! I don't really know what happened to February, because it went by in such a blur. Once, on the 20-somethingth, I wrote a check and said that it was the 9th. I think that is a good way to express how not-with-it I have been during this whole month.

As I mentioned in the last post, I'm back in the ol' apartment after a week in Berkeley. We have to go back (and back to work) tonight, but I'm pretending like we don't and instead I can sleep and watch Project Runway and eat cheese until the end of time. Anyway, to follow in this theme of brainless vegging, I'm going to do an itemized post of all the non-Greenpeace things going on in my life.

1. On Tuesday in the hotel room, I was about to put on moisturizer/sunscreen when I realized that it was all the way across the room. Kate's Olay NONsunscreen was right next to me. I used it and sat outside all day tabling. In turn, the one day in five odd years that I don't wear sunscreen, I get a peeling sunburn on my nose and chest. I was also wearing my Star of David necklace, and now I have a sun-tattoo marking me as a chosen person.Also, this photo was not edited or retouched in any way. I really do look this cracked out today.

2. I have developed a habit of eating approximately one block of Tillamook sharp cheddar a week. I realize that this may be a problem, but I refuse to do anything about it. Cheese has now become the cornerstone of my personal food pyramid.

3. Last night Kate and I went to a party at our friend Travis's friend's apartment. It was completely ridiculous, and I'll probably have to post about it later. Teaser: We met a thug named Dion who had gold grillz (top and bottom), and spent his Saturday night "shooting dice" at the bus stop.

4. It's my grandma's birthday today, so happy birthday Jozia!!! You're 79, but you don't look a day over 70. Also, Kate and I had gelato in your honor and took pictures. They will be posted soon!!!

The Campaign Trail

What's better than a campaign trip to Berkeley where you get to stay in a motel with your entire campaign team?

Answer?

EVERYTHING!!!

I took Ambien to take some of the edge off, so I'm going to have to keep this quick. Basically, we're all in Berkeley at Cal to run a campaign, our first. We're here for two weeks, but for this, the first week, we're going to p


That was as far as I got on that post last night. Oops! Anyway, I'm back in the city now, in my apartment and my bed and I could not be happier. I walked in and actually got a little teary - I didn't realize that I actually do consider Potrero home! I had also spent most of the day crying, but I'll get to that later. Right now I want to tell you all about the campaign trip.

We all went to Berkeley to try to get Kimberly-Clark products taken off the Cal campus. Kimberly-Clark makes Kleenex, Cottonelle, and a bunch of other stuff, and to make these products they clear-cut ancient growth forests in Canada. Kleenex itself has 0% post consumer recycled content, which makes it 100% UNsustainable. Our goal while on campus is to pass a resolution that would eliminate Kimberly-Clark products from the student union and the bookstore.

Each day of the campaign we all have to bottomline a certain "realm." For example, if I was the bottomliner for media, it would be my job that day to delegate who would write letters to the editor, call media outlets, and speak to reporters. I could also be the bottomliner for tabling, say, and I would run the table we set up on the quad to get people to sign our petition. We don't actually have a petition, we use individual postcards. These postcards have spaces for the person's name, phone number, address, and boxes to check if they want to get more involved in the campaign. Our goal is to have 1,300 of these postcards filled out by students and faculty by the time our campaign is over, and we're probably going to reach it before then. As you can imagine, those things are invaluable.

The one realm that I'm completely kickass at is class raps. A rap is the little speech that you give to a person or group to convince them to commit to your "ask," which in this case is to sign the postcards. Yesterday I was in charge of class raps and we totally blew everyone out of the water. My team and I spoke to 15 classes and groups and got just under 150 signed postcards. Plus, we had 22 people check the box indicating that they wanted to get involved in the campaign, which is golden.

The realm that I'm really not so hot at, though, is postcarding. I'm sure you've all seen a petitioner on the street (postcard and petition are interchangeable). They're the people who try to stop you and get you to support the decriminalization of marijuana or save the rainforests or whatever. They are annoying. We practiced petitioning one day in the Castro, and I was really uncomfortable with it. In training, they tell you to do things like "walk with the person," or "get in their direct path." That's molester behavior, and I am NOT comfortable doing it.

I thought I would be better at it on the Cal campus, because these people are my peers and I can better relate to them, but it was actually 100 times harder. I avoided this realm as much as I could all week, and made no secret of wanting nothing to do with it. Today, though, Ashley (bosslady) decides that I need to not only postcard, but bottomline postcarding. This means that I would need to direct my team and postcard all day. Oh hells no.

I was getting really worked up about it, because the reason I was so uncomfortable approaching strangers and asking them questions is because I'm afraid of them. I was attacked by a college aged man on a college campus in California. The bosses know this. Does it seem like I would actively want to make myself vulnerable to the exact demographic that I fear the most? They didn't seem to understand this, though, and it took a mini-panic attack and me scaring some students by bursting into tears while working with Gabe ("good cop" boss) to convince them that I needed a break. That break was finally had and extended into the rest of the day.

I think under normal circumstances I could have toughed it out and just dealt with being uncomfortable, but I crossed my emotional threshold yesterday afternoon. Today was not the day to try and broaden my boundaries. Plus, I've been working on feeling comfortable in public spaces for two years. Do these Greenpeacers really think that they can change that in the course of a few hours? Again, this is something I tried to explain to them, but they didn't really see it until I had a meltdown on the quad and started popping pills. Sheesh.

Anyway, they wouldn't leave me alone until I said that I would "work on" this problem. Like I'm not already in therapy. I told them about being attacked on day ONE, and you all know that I do not readily share this info (except on this public journal, of course). Again, like I said, it was mainly just terrible timing for this to be brought up, because normally I just deal with it. I was talking with Kate today (who had to go to the ER this morning, which is another post entirely, but FYI: She's okay!) and I said, "I'm used to not feeling comfortable. I haven't felt safe in two years!" I know how to deal with this, it's just that passed the line of knowing how to deal yesterday.

I'm just so happy to be back home now. I didn't know how much I loved this place until now. More later. I think tonight's Ambien is starting to kick in, and boy do I need it!

And the Enviro Guilt Sets In...

I have used the same Nalgene water bottle since either my sophomore or junior year of high school. It's been so long I can't even remember which. Ol' Nal and I were tighter than tight. It went everywhere with me. I even took to keeping it next to my bed for when I needed a drink late at night or wanted to down some Ambien. It had a recycling sticker on it that was all bubbly and weird looking from being run through the dishwasher. I had to replace the cap because mine melted when it touched the hot blade of said dishwasher. I had a little mouth guard too, because I was so fond of gulping, but not of impromptu showers. Sadly though, the days of Sarah and Nalgene are gone. All because of Greenpeace and my liberal guilt.Nalgenes are terrible, in case you haven't heard. I actually heard this a year or so ago, but I was already so attached to Old Blue that I decided it was hearsay. Turns out my denial could only last so long. See, Nalgene bottles, when heated, seep out some terrible gases that slowly rot your insides and kill you. Well, this is how Greenpeace staff members make it sound. (What alarmists!) I kind of figured I was doomed from growing up in the 80s/90s and eating Happy Meals and watching TV, and that Nalgene vapors were kind of low on the Things That Are Killing Me List, but whatevs.

Anyway, if you want to know more about how Nalgene is evil/homicidal, follow this link.

So the Greenpeacers are all anti-Nalgene. They're anti a lot of things actually. Now that Nike owns Converse I'm not sure if I'm allowed to wear my Chucks anymore. Oy. The point is, I have caved to peer pressure and bought a Sigg bottle today. Kate and I both felt the need for street cred and bought some eco-chic, Swiss made, $20 (!!!!!) water bottles. Mine is so hardcore and ridiculous though. Here's a picture:Hahaha. But seriously though, could you resist this? It's a skull and crossbones mosaic made up of graphics including: A razor blade, a pentagram, a pinup holding guns, a komodo dragon, and a hammer and sickle. Ooooh, anarchy was never so refreshing! The guy at whole foods told me there's also a matching skateboard for sale. LOL.

So now I am quenching my thirst the sustainable death-free way, while attaining the approval of my comrades, er, co-workers. I still miss my Nalgene, but I'm keeping it in a box in my room (which sounds totally creepy but isn't). Take that Greenies!

Lifetime Original Movie and Other Guilt

I feel kind of guilty about not writing more in this ol' thing. I keep mentioning how I'm completely exhausted most of the time, and how I don't even have time to call my mom, let alone write, but I still feel the glaring eyes of my admirers as I put off work day after day. Seriously though, I'm really going to make an effort to share more info. I know my nanas are thirsty for more news of their lovely granddaughter's adventures, and I'm pretty sure my parents are wondering what happened to me as well.

It's late here and (again) I'm super wiped, so I'll just do a quick post. Today I stayed in bed all day and vegged, in preparation for our two week campaign trip to Berkeley, where we will be working ungodly hours and trying to convince college students to care about something other than themselves or Facebook. Plus, we're staying together in a hotel for the first week. This is how I picture it going:Ok. I know I'm supposed to go in with a positive attitude and The Secret and blah blah, but let's get real here. 15 people. Working together all day. Sleeping together. Eating together. I've seen The Real World. I know how this is going to turn out.

And it's not like the stress is lessening. We keep getting more and more to do, and I still haven't had time to adjust to what we did a week ago. We do these check-ins with our coordinators every 1-2 weeks, and this week I told them I should only talk about things that happened over a week ago, because that's how long it takes me to process all this shit. But, as I mentioned before, once I do, I freaking love it and never want to do anything else. I'm probably just completely insane and I don't even know it.This week, our added assignments included going to the warehouse and making banners (pictures hopefully to come. I wore a jumpsuit), having a book discussion on our required reading (I didn't even read when I was an English major), and writing blog entries for Greenpeace's online campaigning push. I already write two pretty kickass blogs, so I was unperturbed, but this blog thing was kind of funky. We were all supposed to write two paragraphs as our individual entry, then email them to Linda so that she could choose the best one and post it on a Facebook blog, which is actually just a glorified message board. I personally feel that each person should have been assigned a week and written whatever they wanted for that week, but hey, I'm just a student. Plus, that would have prevented me (possibly) from writing the cheesiest thing ever for my blog entry. The story is true, but I got all emo/Oprah/Movie of the Week, either because I didn't take the assignment seriously or I was so tired I lost any kind of filter for my emotions. Anyway, here it is. Barf bags are in the pocket of the seat in front of you.

When you’re working with the same fourteen people for seven hours a day, in a room the size of some garages, it’s hard to get an idea of how the work you are doing affects the outside world. It wasn’t until I called a Greenpeace volunteer to ask her to attend an event that I saw how I could inspire others, instead of being inspired myself in a classroom setting.

This woman was almost in tears as she told me about how she filled out a postcard in class volunteering her time (and phone number!) to Greenpeace. She had then waited for weeks to hear back from someone, anyone, who could ask for her help. Finally she got a call from me, and it was at just the right time. This woman told me that she had started to feel exasperated by the entire environmental movement, believing that it was all talk and no action. My call brought back her passion, she told me. In turn, she also reminded me of the importance of the work we are doing, and that we can never give up.