To Do: Smoke Less Crack

Did you hear the news? It's March! I don't really know what happened to February, because it went by in such a blur. Once, on the 20-somethingth, I wrote a check and said that it was the 9th. I think that is a good way to express how not-with-it I have been during this whole month.

As I mentioned in the last post, I'm back in the ol' apartment after a week in Berkeley. We have to go back (and back to work) tonight, but I'm pretending like we don't and instead I can sleep and watch Project Runway and eat cheese until the end of time. Anyway, to follow in this theme of brainless vegging, I'm going to do an itemized post of all the non-Greenpeace things going on in my life.

1. On Tuesday in the hotel room, I was about to put on moisturizer/sunscreen when I realized that it was all the way across the room. Kate's Olay NONsunscreen was right next to me. I used it and sat outside all day tabling. In turn, the one day in five odd years that I don't wear sunscreen, I get a peeling sunburn on my nose and chest. I was also wearing my Star of David necklace, and now I have a sun-tattoo marking me as a chosen person.Also, this photo was not edited or retouched in any way. I really do look this cracked out today.

2. I have developed a habit of eating approximately one block of Tillamook sharp cheddar a week. I realize that this may be a problem, but I refuse to do anything about it. Cheese has now become the cornerstone of my personal food pyramid.

3. Last night Kate and I went to a party at our friend Travis's friend's apartment. It was completely ridiculous, and I'll probably have to post about it later. Teaser: We met a thug named Dion who had gold grillz (top and bottom), and spent his Saturday night "shooting dice" at the bus stop.

4. It's my grandma's birthday today, so happy birthday Jozia!!! You're 79, but you don't look a day over 70. Also, Kate and I had gelato in your honor and took pictures. They will be posted soon!!!

The Campaign Trail

What's better than a campaign trip to Berkeley where you get to stay in a motel with your entire campaign team?

Answer?

EVERYTHING!!!

I took Ambien to take some of the edge off, so I'm going to have to keep this quick. Basically, we're all in Berkeley at Cal to run a campaign, our first. We're here for two weeks, but for this, the first week, we're going to p


That was as far as I got on that post last night. Oops! Anyway, I'm back in the city now, in my apartment and my bed and I could not be happier. I walked in and actually got a little teary - I didn't realize that I actually do consider Potrero home! I had also spent most of the day crying, but I'll get to that later. Right now I want to tell you all about the campaign trip.

We all went to Berkeley to try to get Kimberly-Clark products taken off the Cal campus. Kimberly-Clark makes Kleenex, Cottonelle, and a bunch of other stuff, and to make these products they clear-cut ancient growth forests in Canada. Kleenex itself has 0% post consumer recycled content, which makes it 100% UNsustainable. Our goal while on campus is to pass a resolution that would eliminate Kimberly-Clark products from the student union and the bookstore.

Each day of the campaign we all have to bottomline a certain "realm." For example, if I was the bottomliner for media, it would be my job that day to delegate who would write letters to the editor, call media outlets, and speak to reporters. I could also be the bottomliner for tabling, say, and I would run the table we set up on the quad to get people to sign our petition. We don't actually have a petition, we use individual postcards. These postcards have spaces for the person's name, phone number, address, and boxes to check if they want to get more involved in the campaign. Our goal is to have 1,300 of these postcards filled out by students and faculty by the time our campaign is over, and we're probably going to reach it before then. As you can imagine, those things are invaluable.

The one realm that I'm completely kickass at is class raps. A rap is the little speech that you give to a person or group to convince them to commit to your "ask," which in this case is to sign the postcards. Yesterday I was in charge of class raps and we totally blew everyone out of the water. My team and I spoke to 15 classes and groups and got just under 150 signed postcards. Plus, we had 22 people check the box indicating that they wanted to get involved in the campaign, which is golden.

The realm that I'm really not so hot at, though, is postcarding. I'm sure you've all seen a petitioner on the street (postcard and petition are interchangeable). They're the people who try to stop you and get you to support the decriminalization of marijuana or save the rainforests or whatever. They are annoying. We practiced petitioning one day in the Castro, and I was really uncomfortable with it. In training, they tell you to do things like "walk with the person," or "get in their direct path." That's molester behavior, and I am NOT comfortable doing it.

I thought I would be better at it on the Cal campus, because these people are my peers and I can better relate to them, but it was actually 100 times harder. I avoided this realm as much as I could all week, and made no secret of wanting nothing to do with it. Today, though, Ashley (bosslady) decides that I need to not only postcard, but bottomline postcarding. This means that I would need to direct my team and postcard all day. Oh hells no.

I was getting really worked up about it, because the reason I was so uncomfortable approaching strangers and asking them questions is because I'm afraid of them. I was attacked by a college aged man on a college campus in California. The bosses know this. Does it seem like I would actively want to make myself vulnerable to the exact demographic that I fear the most? They didn't seem to understand this, though, and it took a mini-panic attack and me scaring some students by bursting into tears while working with Gabe ("good cop" boss) to convince them that I needed a break. That break was finally had and extended into the rest of the day.

I think under normal circumstances I could have toughed it out and just dealt with being uncomfortable, but I crossed my emotional threshold yesterday afternoon. Today was not the day to try and broaden my boundaries. Plus, I've been working on feeling comfortable in public spaces for two years. Do these Greenpeacers really think that they can change that in the course of a few hours? Again, this is something I tried to explain to them, but they didn't really see it until I had a meltdown on the quad and started popping pills. Sheesh.

Anyway, they wouldn't leave me alone until I said that I would "work on" this problem. Like I'm not already in therapy. I told them about being attacked on day ONE, and you all know that I do not readily share this info (except on this public journal, of course). Again, like I said, it was mainly just terrible timing for this to be brought up, because normally I just deal with it. I was talking with Kate today (who had to go to the ER this morning, which is another post entirely, but FYI: She's okay!) and I said, "I'm used to not feeling comfortable. I haven't felt safe in two years!" I know how to deal with this, it's just that passed the line of knowing how to deal yesterday.

I'm just so happy to be back home now. I didn't know how much I loved this place until now. More later. I think tonight's Ambien is starting to kick in, and boy do I need it!

And the Enviro Guilt Sets In...

I have used the same Nalgene water bottle since either my sophomore or junior year of high school. It's been so long I can't even remember which. Ol' Nal and I were tighter than tight. It went everywhere with me. I even took to keeping it next to my bed for when I needed a drink late at night or wanted to down some Ambien. It had a recycling sticker on it that was all bubbly and weird looking from being run through the dishwasher. I had to replace the cap because mine melted when it touched the hot blade of said dishwasher. I had a little mouth guard too, because I was so fond of gulping, but not of impromptu showers. Sadly though, the days of Sarah and Nalgene are gone. All because of Greenpeace and my liberal guilt.Nalgenes are terrible, in case you haven't heard. I actually heard this a year or so ago, but I was already so attached to Old Blue that I decided it was hearsay. Turns out my denial could only last so long. See, Nalgene bottles, when heated, seep out some terrible gases that slowly rot your insides and kill you. Well, this is how Greenpeace staff members make it sound. (What alarmists!) I kind of figured I was doomed from growing up in the 80s/90s and eating Happy Meals and watching TV, and that Nalgene vapors were kind of low on the Things That Are Killing Me List, but whatevs.

Anyway, if you want to know more about how Nalgene is evil/homicidal, follow this link.

So the Greenpeacers are all anti-Nalgene. They're anti a lot of things actually. Now that Nike owns Converse I'm not sure if I'm allowed to wear my Chucks anymore. Oy. The point is, I have caved to peer pressure and bought a Sigg bottle today. Kate and I both felt the need for street cred and bought some eco-chic, Swiss made, $20 (!!!!!) water bottles. Mine is so hardcore and ridiculous though. Here's a picture:Hahaha. But seriously though, could you resist this? It's a skull and crossbones mosaic made up of graphics including: A razor blade, a pentagram, a pinup holding guns, a komodo dragon, and a hammer and sickle. Ooooh, anarchy was never so refreshing! The guy at whole foods told me there's also a matching skateboard for sale. LOL.

So now I am quenching my thirst the sustainable death-free way, while attaining the approval of my comrades, er, co-workers. I still miss my Nalgene, but I'm keeping it in a box in my room (which sounds totally creepy but isn't). Take that Greenies!

Lifetime Original Movie and Other Guilt

I feel kind of guilty about not writing more in this ol' thing. I keep mentioning how I'm completely exhausted most of the time, and how I don't even have time to call my mom, let alone write, but I still feel the glaring eyes of my admirers as I put off work day after day. Seriously though, I'm really going to make an effort to share more info. I know my nanas are thirsty for more news of their lovely granddaughter's adventures, and I'm pretty sure my parents are wondering what happened to me as well.

It's late here and (again) I'm super wiped, so I'll just do a quick post. Today I stayed in bed all day and vegged, in preparation for our two week campaign trip to Berkeley, where we will be working ungodly hours and trying to convince college students to care about something other than themselves or Facebook. Plus, we're staying together in a hotel for the first week. This is how I picture it going:Ok. I know I'm supposed to go in with a positive attitude and The Secret and blah blah, but let's get real here. 15 people. Working together all day. Sleeping together. Eating together. I've seen The Real World. I know how this is going to turn out.

And it's not like the stress is lessening. We keep getting more and more to do, and I still haven't had time to adjust to what we did a week ago. We do these check-ins with our coordinators every 1-2 weeks, and this week I told them I should only talk about things that happened over a week ago, because that's how long it takes me to process all this shit. But, as I mentioned before, once I do, I freaking love it and never want to do anything else. I'm probably just completely insane and I don't even know it.This week, our added assignments included going to the warehouse and making banners (pictures hopefully to come. I wore a jumpsuit), having a book discussion on our required reading (I didn't even read when I was an English major), and writing blog entries for Greenpeace's online campaigning push. I already write two pretty kickass blogs, so I was unperturbed, but this blog thing was kind of funky. We were all supposed to write two paragraphs as our individual entry, then email them to Linda so that she could choose the best one and post it on a Facebook blog, which is actually just a glorified message board. I personally feel that each person should have been assigned a week and written whatever they wanted for that week, but hey, I'm just a student. Plus, that would have prevented me (possibly) from writing the cheesiest thing ever for my blog entry. The story is true, but I got all emo/Oprah/Movie of the Week, either because I didn't take the assignment seriously or I was so tired I lost any kind of filter for my emotions. Anyway, here it is. Barf bags are in the pocket of the seat in front of you.

When you’re working with the same fourteen people for seven hours a day, in a room the size of some garages, it’s hard to get an idea of how the work you are doing affects the outside world. It wasn’t until I called a Greenpeace volunteer to ask her to attend an event that I saw how I could inspire others, instead of being inspired myself in a classroom setting.

This woman was almost in tears as she told me about how she filled out a postcard in class volunteering her time (and phone number!) to Greenpeace. She had then waited for weeks to hear back from someone, anyone, who could ask for her help. Finally she got a call from me, and it was at just the right time. This woman told me that she had started to feel exasperated by the entire environmental movement, believing that it was all talk and no action. My call brought back her passion, she told me. In turn, she also reminded me of the importance of the work we are doing, and that we can never give up.

Three Months of Exhaustion

Today we got a much needed day off work, and I'm spending it lying in bed watching Lost. I'm feeling a little sick today, but I'm sure I also just need to sleep and relax, because this program is a real ass kicker.

I posted before about how exhausted I have been while here, and I just want to expound on that: I have no life outside of Greenpeace. All my normal routines/habits/hygiene have gone out the window. Well, I still take showers, but I think you get my point. Only now, two weeks into the program (really? Only two??!!) am I getting around to emailing my independent study sponsors back in U-Town.

The thing is, though, that I'm completely loving it. I love this work and this city and the whole experience. Sure, at times it makes me so exhausted I'm actually queasy, and sometimes I really wish we could at least have breaks longer than five minutes during the work day ... but when I look back on what we've all accomplished and how already I feel transformed and inspired - that makes all the stress and sleep deprivation completely worth it.

Toursity Tourism

Last weekend the 'mates and I went to Pier 39/Fisherman's Wharf/the beach, and this weekend we traipsed around Fillmore and the Financial District. We're finally starting to get around to really seeing the city, as opposed to looking at the lights from the top of our hill. The thing that stands out from all our trips, though, have been the bus rides. I liked riding the bus before, but in San Francisco, there is really no telling what will happen on the bus. Kate saw someone get arrested and dragged off the bus, we both met a man who asked if I was Chicana and told Kate that her feet look like hands, and today we rode from Fillmore to Potrero with a woman who yelled, on the bus "I sell dope!" She wasn't lying too, because I saw her make a swap with this other guy and then talk about how the police are following her, trying to jack her product.

None of these pictures are from the bus, but they are from some of our toursity adventures of the past week or so.As always, more photos available on the ol' Flickr account!

THANK YOU Heath!

My friend Heather "Heath" S. sent me the sweetest, most heartfelt card. I forced Kate to listen to me gush about it and explain to her what everything meant, because I was seriously getting choked up while I was reading, and I felt like I needed to explain why.

So, Darling Heath, thank you so much. Your card came just when I needed it, and it was so special and detailed and beautiful and I can't really express how much it meant to me. So, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

GORP Continued

Did I not mention before that our retreat was called GORP? It stands for Greenpeace Orientation Retreat in Pennsylvania, because the DC (original) group goes to PA for their retreat. We still called it GORP, although that acronym makes zero sense.

Anyway, today I stole tons of pictures from Kate and Alek and others, because I really didn't take many pictures while we were on the retreat. I was too busy feeling disgusting after not showering for three days. I didn't even wash my face. I know. (Linnea, you're probably so proud of me!) As always, you can also check out my flickr account soon for more pictures from my adventures. Today we went to Fisherman's Wharf and the beach, and I took over 100 pictures. Whew!To get back on track, I wanted to talk a little about GORP and my experience with it. Overall it was nice: We talked about our reading, and we did team building exercises that did not include trust falls (boo on those!). We learned a lot about Greenpeace too. Like I didn't know that when Greenpeace supports legislation they refuse to compromise! Turns out Greenpeace, besides being completely independent and international, is also a collective hard ass! We also learned a lot about each other, mainly through an activity Friday night where we had to draw "life maps" that described what led us to the GOT.

The life map exercise was pretty stressful on me, and it was even harder after watching other people present theirs and say things like, "I recycle, so I came here! (smile, giggle)" Mine was a little more serious. I didn't really feel comfortable sharing my whole life story, but I did feel like I needed to say some stuff that would be relevant to understanding who I am, especially to people I'm going to spend the next three months with. So I talked about LA and about being assaulted, and just kind of said, "Here it is, and I don't feel comfortable saying anymore." And you know? It was okay. I didn't cry or anything, and I was able to just state some facts and sit down. I was really proud of that, and I still am.

The only thing was that afterwards there was a time for questions, and a girl raised her hand and said, "So why did you leave LA?" and without skipping a beat (or thinking) I deadpanned, "Because I was sexually assaulted." I'm still a little miffed about her (idiotic) comment. See, the whole point was that we all sat and listened to everyone bare their souls. It was supposed to be a safe place with understanding people, and apparently I wasn't even important enough to listen to? Or I didn't satisfy her curiosity? Or she just wanted me to say it as clearly as possible? I don't know, but it was one of those moments where I was so emotional and shocked that whatever tact I have flew out the window and I responded with my exact emotion, which was clearly disgust.

Later in the car ride home, a friend in the program commented on how ballsy he thought my response was, and said that he too was shocked at her question. It was nice to have a few people come up to me without provocation and support me, but honestly didn't really need it. A year ago something like that would have crushed me. Now, I'm comfortable with the amount I shared, and I'm also comfortable with my reaction to the question asked afterward. I'm at a point now where I'm comfortable talking about my past without major anxiety or sloppy tears, and it feels really, really liberating.So I guess the best thing I got out of the Greenpeace retreat wasn't really about Greenpeace at all, but about me. Still, I'm so happy to be here and experiencing this, and as corny as it sounds, I can tell I'm growing and learning every day.

First Break in 40 Years

Edit: This was written Saturday, but posted today because I only recently stole pics from Kate.

We just got back last night from a retreat into the mountains of Northern California. I was expecting it to be a kind of sketchy, with trust falls in the middle of the woods, but it was actually very nice. The only reason I really wanted to come home was that I hadn't showered in three days, and it was becoming more and move obvious to the outside world.

When were looking over the ocean, which was about five miles away, and it was so beautiful with the clouds and the air ... you know, it was just so magical there, I can't even describe it in words. I started out the trip taking a lot of pictures, but I just got so frustrated that I couldn't fully capture it that I just gave up and hoped my eyes would do it for me.I really want to describe this place, but I'm having such a hard time! It was about 300something acres in Occidental, directly east of Bodega Bay, but at a higher altitude. And there were different barns and structures that we used for different types of meetings. We ate in "The Green Barn" and we slept in what we called "The Sleeping Barn." We had our lessons in a cupola called "The Sanctuary" that has huge windows on each wall that looked out over the valleys and trees, all the way to the ocean. There are residents there too, who all have their own little houses and lives, but also have a responsibility to take care of the property. There was also a pet llama on the property named Pele, with whom Kate was particularly enamored. At the last minute of our trip we got to feed Pele and brush him, which was pretty awesome.As for the training, I'm probably going to post about it later. Some parts were good, others not so good. As a whole though, I'm glad we all went and I do feel a lot closer to some people in the group that I didn't feel that close to before.

In Which I Fall in a Heap

First day of work. Long day. So tired.

Last night Kate came in around midnight, having missed her connecting flight and having to stay in Houston, where the airport features a statue of George Bush. Rebecca and I stayed up to help her get settled, etc, and I think I went to bed around 2. I woke up around 7:30, even though my alarm was set to go off at 8. We went to work at 9, and were done around 5:30. Sadly for us, though, we really needed groceries, so we walked to Whole Foods to pick up some stuff. This was also kind of hectic as we were piling four people's groceries in one collective cart. Okay for shopping, NOT okay for checking out. But I did get to use my ID to buy beer. Related story: The guy spent a long time looking at my ID, and I was actually getting kind of nervous, but then I realized it was a real ID and I was like, "Whoa, old habits die hard, eh?" He may have thought it was fake (Illinois ID in California = suspicious?), but whatever, he sold it to me anyway.

So we got our foodstuffs and dragged it all up the hill, and we all immediately got in our sweatpants and ate dinner. We were all completely exhausted and zombie-like, it was kind of sad. But we ate and our friendly landlord came down to look at our kitchen drain (which is completely backed up, oy). Oh! And we had to make brownies because tomorrow is potluck lunch at work! Talk about stressful! Plus, like half the people in Greenpeace are vegetarian or vegan or just picky or snobby, so we were kind of afraid to make anything. Brownies are kind of safe, we hope.

And on that note, we're going on a retreat this weekend, and today we had to say if we were vegetarian or vegan so that they could get food, and I said I was veggie, but that I was lactose-intolerant. The coordinators were then like, "oh, so you're vegan then." To which I said, "No. I'm lactose-intolerant." They kept being like, "It's the same thing," and I'm all, "Noooo, Dr. Spock, it is NOT." Whatever. I shall now be keeping my stomach status to myself.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I'm not dead, just dead tired. More later!