Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Judgement Day (Again!)

I'm now staying with my grandma in Visalia, working on school stuff and helping her out with whatever she wants. We're going to do eBay and go to the movies and stuff like that.

The way I see it, I saw enough of the GOT to know what I think and how I'm going to go about this thesis paper. I came in with amazingly high expectations, and I was disappointed, and that really sucks. Believe me, this was not at all how I imagined things going. And you know, I tried. I tried about 18 million ways to make a change and I only became more and more convinced that I wasn't good enough, wasn't smart enough, and was completely worthless to the GOT and, in association, Greenpeace. I made (?) and lost friends, I lost confidence, and I lost motivation.


I'm not writing this to cry and complain and continue being the sadistic hate-monger those ol' GOT peeps think I am! I'm saying this because I think it's pretty frakking awesome that I did this, and that I did try, and even that I was shot down, because I learned a lot. If you look back at all my moody posts, I am trying in every one to find some reason this is all worth it. Sometimes that reason was, "to learn that life is a bitch," but it's still a lesson, and I still think this experience was a good one. Sometimes, even if things don't turn out all rainbows and sunshine, you need to just say, "oh well" and move on. At least that's what I plan on doing.The only thing that's total bullshit is that I can't just move on, because I keep getting sucked back in. With catty emails, with bitter voicemails, with an overall lack of support. So here's the part where I make a request: Tell me you like me, if you do. Don't just read this and think that I may have a bit of a point or that I'm interesting or that I do a mildly good job of standing up for myself. TELL ME. I could use a little confidence boost after all this. Oh, and if you read this to have something to hate, then please don't contact me. I don't want to have to change my phone number (Sprint customer service is terrible).

This is still a collection of my feelings first and foremost for a school assignment, so I'm still going to be posting. I'm not technically a Greenpeacer anymore, but I'm still gonna write about it! And other stuff! And fun stuff!! So stick around if you're nice. And if you're not, well I think that says more about you than it does about me. Boo Ya!


Heather said...

I love you and I'm proud of you for sticking through with it all despite all the problems for such a long time. I'm also proud that you stood up for yourself and your happiness and left when you felt you needed to. You are still the amazing friend and person I've always seen you for if not even more so now. Enjoy the rest of your time in Cali. Let me know the next time you're around the Midwest so we can hang out love!!!

Karen Schmidt said...

From your Mom's BFF, Karen: You are so brave and smart and funny and a wonderful writer and I'm just damn proud to know you. You're absolutely right, sometimes the best thing you take out of an experience is that life sucks and you'll never try THAT again! and you are not defined by any one but You. The You I see is becoming clearer every day, you're fantastic!