Actually Getting Things Did

Are you still reading this? Because the whole semester away thing is kind of coming to a close. I'm not sure when I'm going to stop writing in this blog, but I will leave a final, summing up kind of thing ... probably ... eventually.

Life has been kind of bug nuts lately. From having people who are practically strangers crush my soul to learning that I can re-build my confidence yet again. What a whirlwind three months!

I wanted to post today because I'm finally starting to feel like I have my life on track, and I'm starting to get a little perspective on the last few months. This is what I came up with:

How the shit can Stephen Colbert make an entire career out of pretending to be a conservative ass, but I can't make a clear-cutting joke while working in Greenpeace?!

What a Dystopian World

Have you heard?! The apocalypse is so hot right now. So is the Earth! (ba dum dum!) But seriously, guys, the dystopian landscape is really getting a pop culture boost, which I think is in part due to climate change, scare tactics related to climate change, controversy over environmental issues, the economy, and (gasp!) war!

I just realized yesterday that I'm totally getting my apocalyptic pop culture freak on, and I didn't even know it. Which is also more evidence that this new four horsemen around the bend mindset is permeating our culture! Below I've itemized a few things I've been kvetching over:

Battlestar Gallactica: Okay, this show is my obsession. I know you're thinking, "what a nerdbucket!" but give it/me a chance! BSG is the best political drama television has ever seen, and probably has the best female characters since Lisa Turtle or, uh, Sydney Bristow. AND it's about the end of human civilization, complete with sex, drugs, robots, and violence.


Y: The Last Man: Wow, I'm really exposing myself to be a total geekwad. This is a really addictive graphic novel (adapted from a comic book) about a mysterious disease that wipes out every mammal with a Y-chromosone. EXCEPT one man, Yorrick, and his monkey, grammatically named Ampersand. Y: The Last Man is so ripe for women's studies I'm surprised there isn't a seminar devoted to it ... yet. Also, the movie rights have been sold, so remember you heard about it here first! Oh, and go read it so you look cool when Shia La Beouf or whoever is taking on the role of Yorrick and screwing it all up.

Jericho: I got this twice canceled TV show on DVD a few weeks ago. It's not that great - obviously CBS's failed attempt at having their own Lost - but it is about what would happen if there was a massive nuclear terrorist attack on the United States. Hint: Bleak dystopian future! But somehow Skeet Ulrich remains completely sexy, even through nuclear fallout! See? Miracles do happen.

Vampire Weekend: Ok, this really great band isn't actually related at all to apocalyptic culture. But doesn't a "vampire weekend" sound like something that would really mess up the world? Yeah, I thought so too. Also, they're a great Afro-pop ironic hipster band that is actually good. Go buy their album and thank me later.

Thanks for reading, now go stock your fallout shelter with Pop-Tarts! AAAAHHH!

Judgement Day (Again!)

I'm now staying with my grandma in Visalia, working on school stuff and helping her out with whatever she wants. We're going to do eBay and go to the movies and stuff like that.

The way I see it, I saw enough of the GOT to know what I think and how I'm going to go about this thesis paper. I came in with amazingly high expectations, and I was disappointed, and that really sucks. Believe me, this was not at all how I imagined things going. And you know, I tried. I tried about 18 million ways to make a change and I only became more and more convinced that I wasn't good enough, wasn't smart enough, and was completely worthless to the GOT and, in association, Greenpeace. I made (?) and lost friends, I lost confidence, and I lost motivation.

BUT!

I'm not writing this to cry and complain and continue being the sadistic hate-monger those ol' GOT peeps think I am! I'm saying this because I think it's pretty frakking awesome that I did this, and that I did try, and even that I was shot down, because I learned a lot. If you look back at all my moody posts, I am trying in every one to find some reason this is all worth it. Sometimes that reason was, "to learn that life is a bitch," but it's still a lesson, and I still think this experience was a good one. Sometimes, even if things don't turn out all rainbows and sunshine, you need to just say, "oh well" and move on. At least that's what I plan on doing.The only thing that's total bullshit is that I can't just move on, because I keep getting sucked back in. With catty emails, with bitter voicemails, with an overall lack of support. So here's the part where I make a request: Tell me you like me, if you do. Don't just read this and think that I may have a bit of a point or that I'm interesting or that I do a mildly good job of standing up for myself. TELL ME. I could use a little confidence boost after all this. Oh, and if you read this to have something to hate, then please don't contact me. I don't want to have to change my phone number (Sprint customer service is terrible).

This is still a collection of my feelings first and foremost for a school assignment, so I'm still going to be posting. I'm not technically a Greenpeacer anymore, but I'm still gonna write about it! And other stuff! And fun stuff!! So stick around if you're nice. And if you're not, well I think that says more about you than it does about me. Boo Ya!

And Please, Direct All Scathing Emails to Joel Stein

Below is an article in the latest Time, written by the insanely adorable Joel Stein. (At left I've included a picture, for obvious ogling reasons.) I totally see where he's going with his general claim, but there are some points here that I don't really agree with. Even so, I think this relates to my thesis and my research, so here it is.
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My wife's parents are hippies. In general, this has made my life a lot easier. Instead of questioning their daughter's future with a journalist, they were awed that I was able to pay for the 475-sq.-ft. (45 sq m) apartment we lived in for six years. And that I was all sophisticated with my use of deodorant.

But it does mean that my lovely wife Cassandra grew up with different habits--habits that are now my habits. I'm a hippie by marriage.

I care about the environment as much as anyone else. If the environment wasn't looking where it was going and was about to get hit by a car, I'd yell, "Hey, environment, watch out!" I get weepy when I see a poorly rendered CGI polar bear drown. But unlike me, Cassandra was taught to spend more time actually caring than remembering that she is supposed to. We flush the toilet only when absolutely necessary, for instance. Which, in my unenlightened opinion, would mean every time we use it, especially since her being a child of hippies means we have to take a lot of vitamins and eat asparagus.

Now that we have a house with a backyard, Cassandra has decided we need a compost heap. Apparently she has very warm memories of her childhood compost. What these are I find hard to imagine. Sledding down the compost pile? Building compost castles? Making compost angels? Playing Batman, Robin and the Case of the Maggot-Ridden Tofu Pup?

At first our compost system consisted of a Tupperware container that I put eggshells and banana peels in. I was supposed to put a lot of other stuff in there too, but there was also stuff I was absolutely not supposed to put in, so I simplified it down to the things she would notice if I threw them away in the regular garbage.

When the Tupperware container disappeared, I was greatly relieved. This was foolish. A week later, Cassandra decorated our kitchen with a large green compost bin--which, I may point out, is clearly made of plastic--and told me to throw all kinds of stuff in there. This stuff would then sit in our kitchen. Rotting. I was starting to understand that there are reasons besides shunning deodorant that hippies smell bad.

Then the UPS guy delivered a coil of bamboo fencing so large I could barely lift it. This would demark the compost area in our yard. That way, we could enjoy rotting things both inside and outside our house. And denude a small part of Vietnamese jungle.

As far as I was concerned, we were replacing an environmentally superior system: I put food in the garbage disposal, it went out to the ocean, fish ate it, and I ate the fish and put the uneaten fish bits right back into the disposal--a perfect, waste-free circle of life. Cassandra didn't see it that way. She wanted the thrill of watching food decompose. I wondered if we could do something else for the planet instead: save trees by ordering fewer fashion magazines, protect cows by massively reducing our purchases of boots and handbags, conserve energy by not watching Gossip Girl. But the compost isn't going anywhere.

I realize our planet has limited resources and Chinese people want cars and all this is making our planet warmer for reasons I'm pretty sure I understood when I left the Al Gore movie and have no idea about now and am not nearly interested in enough to watch that Al Gore movie again. But I'm convinced that the environmental movement is less about making sure we humans can continue to do important things like fly and drive and spritz ourselves with cans of Evian and more of an excuse to advocate an anticonsumerist, antiglobalization, anti-good-smelling-kitchen agenda. People were living in communes, crocheting their own Rasta hats and conserving office electricity by not getting a job long before they knew it was preventing global warming. So don't pretend that some of this environmentalism isn't about pushing a lifestyle. Somewhere someone is arguing that carbon emissions are somehow reduced by jam bands.

I'm fine with Cassandra's new, cool Prius. Those curly fluorescent bulbs we have are great. And I do think we should replace our plants with cacti, only partly because they seem so much more badass than rosebushes. But I believe our messy oil age will be replaced by better technology, not by a planetary embrace of Luddism. Because really, what's easier--one smart dude figuring out how to run cars on sea monkeys, or convincing all of Asia to never try air-conditioning? Those people eat spicy food.

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This article was reprinted without any permission whatsoever, but was originally published in Time Vol. 171 No. 13, for the week of March 31, 2008

Blue Skies

Things are possibly looking up.

I'm not going to talk about it until next week. I just wanted to say that things are looking up.

Oooooh! Suspense!Later, gators.

So Much to Say, So Much to Have Misinterpreted

So one fourth of the group has proposed that I leave the program. Really! It's like I don't even have to try to ruin lives and crush souls anymore! And good thing too, I just got my nails did.

I think it's so fascinating that because I have a different approach and feel comfortable sharing my opinions that I have, within a week, been painted as a traitor. Oh! And I was only at work for two days this week! Ten points!

Naturally, no one will give reasons for my leaving besides the fact that I should, for me. Right. When I said in a previous post that I wasn't leaving, I did mean it. I mean everything I write here (but you should also note the timestamps. Yes, these things are dated and time sensitive!) I would like to take this time to mention that I get frustrated, not suicidal. I asked the coordinators if they wanted me to leave, not if I could.

This is a blog for my senior thesis and my friends and family. That's it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am shocked that within a week I can go from okay to pure evil that is somehow worthy of pity. I guess we are nine afterall. Shit, I hear fourth grade is a real ass kicker! Even more than me! Yikes!

Look guys, I'm getting silly here, but that's how I deal with being such a fascist all the time. What I'm trying to say is: Tolerance. Perhaps we should take time today, and in our lives, to embrace tolerance.

This message brought to you by the letter A.

The Million Dollar Question.

I am not liked. This is not something new. I have experienced the harsh words and judgment of others before. The thing is, before my antagonists were just in my English class, or a friend of a friend, or some other easily-ignorable person. This time, the people who love to loathe me are my coworkers, co-livers, co-lifers. We all spend our time in the GOT with only each other, and when one person (read: me) feels comfortable expressing a differing opinion, they are suddenly transformed into a defector who is hell bent on crushing the beautiful thing the group has built.

Just call me Hulk.

I have tried to allow the GOT to retain its structure and 'prestige' by not voicing every single concern/comment/question within the group. I have been frustrated, yes, but I have also attempted to take some sort of healthy approach to this experience. Looking back at past posts you can see that I do not only rant about my experience, but rather explain that perhaps are the lessons I am going to learn differ from those intended. I continue to believe that what I'm going to take away from this experience is a deeper understanding of the "closed-minded liberal" and "over-zealous activist." When I attempt to dispel these characterizations, I am only met with further proof that they are true to this case.

I have asked the coordinators of the program if they want me to leave. I have volunteered to do work outside the GOT for the remainder of the program. But, in my defense, I have never tried to convince other students to join my "side" and share my opinions. I have never voiced these opinions in the classroom. I have never done anything to keep other GOT members from having their own experience, whether positive or negative. Please remember this, because I'm only the "problem" that you make me. I am staying, and I am here to learn. Hopefully you are too.

Also!

I added pictures to my Flickr account, so if you're more of a visual learner, click that little slideshow to the right! There are pictures of me dressed as a tree, adorable sea otters at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, and, uh, other stuff that I can't remember! Check it out! Now! Go!

I've Run Away

I really needed to get out of San Francisco, Greenpeace, everything. I've been having such a hard time expressing myself and feeling understood/validated, and so I hopped a train and ran away to my grandma's house. I did this about two months ago when my grandpa died too, and it's amazingly therapeutic. My mom is here too, so I have double the support system. It's also nice to have people to talk to about my concerns/issues who don't have any pre-conceived notions or agendas. I just need to talk. To sleep. To think.

I'm learning so much more about interpersonal relationships during this semester than I am about activism. I think these lessons are much harder to learn, but I still believe they are beneficial. Plus, these inadvertent lessons are in the context of activism, so I guess it's all intertwined.

I'm at Panera right now working on stuff for my credit back at school. It's strangely satisfying to complete concrete tasks for actual, tangible credit. In an admittedly age-inappropriate way, I miss organized education. It's so easy to organize my life when I have a set structure and tasks and a plan. I miss knowing what's coming up, what's going to happen. I never know explicitly what I'm doing within the GOT until I'm in the midst of doing it, which really makes my brain jelloid. This is because I am actually 35 years old. I did warn you that my musings are age inappropriate though.

In personal news, I chopped off my hair (again). Everyone in the office keeps asking me if it feels weird, but, as old buds know, my grow-out was the weird phase, not the chopped-off part. What I'm trying to say is, I feel like me again. Hair-wise at least. We'll see when I can return to my planned to a T life ... I'm thinking May.

Ending a Lot of Things.

Today is the fifth anniversary of the war, and in San Francisco there are a lot of events going on in protest. Our GOT group was assigned to participate in a snake march through downtown, which we were to organize ourselves and participate in as a group not from Greenpeace, but rather just in support of the protest as a whole.

And yeah, I did say assigned.

I was kind of confused about this action, but I went along with it because I saw it as a job that I was asked to do. I'm not saying that I begrudgingly did something I didn't want to, or that I'm a blind follower, or anything like that. Because the way I see it is that there was never a choice. I was asked to do something, and I was going to do it. I could go into all the reasons why I think this was not an appropriate task to ask of us, or my personal political beliefs, but I think that today, and most days in liberal America, are basically a deluge of people's political opinions.

So this morning I'm getting up and ready to go, when I'm approached about my ability to walk down the street, because I might get uncomfortable and freak out and ruin it for everyone. See, we made a pact as a group to all leave if one person felt uncomfortable, and I guess that person was destined to be me. Yes, I am a survivor of sexual assault. Yes, I do often feel uncomfortable in crowded, public situations. BUT, that is what anti-anxiety medication is for! (joke, ish.) Plus, I'll have you know that I never really feel safe or comfortable. That's just part of my life though, like how some people have allergies or are nearsighted. I deal with it every day, and the fact that I can live a normal life is testament to my ability to "test my comfort levels" and do my job.

Anyway, I'm not at the march today. I'm at home. Because I'm apparently not strong enough to take a stand or support my group. Honestly? The fact that I'm still here is proof that I'm strong enough to deal with all kinds of bullshit from all kinds of people. So please don't tell me that I need to stretch my comfort zone, because I'm stretched so thin I feel like I'm going to snap at any moment.

I Don't Brush My Teeth Anymore

Ok, the title of this post is kind of a fib, because I do brush my teeth. I just do it like two times a week instead of two times a day. In my past life (Pre-GOT) I used to brush sometimes three or four times a day. I'm really into fresh breath.

The point of the above ramblings is that I'm losing my mind. I can't even remember to brush my teeth anymore, until I'm standing in the bathroom and I realize that I haven't opened the cabinet (where the brush is kept) since last Tuesday. I think this lack of dental hygiene could also explain my negative mood of late...

I want to start writing about things that I think are positive more, so that I can focus on happiness, but also so that you all don't think I'm depressive and a danger to myself. For example, today we talked about the global warming campaign, Project Hot Seat. I, for some reason, think this is a better campaign for me than Kleercut. Mainly because we're going into an actual community to try and influence a legislator instead of going to a college campus, but also because I think a different scene could help alter my mood. Plus, I've never been to Arizona, and I think it could be really interesting.

Also, I'm going to post this picture from my recent trip to the Monterey Bay Aquarium with Mama T. FYI: We had a blast and a half.

Ok Guys. Let's Get Really Real.

So the blog is making the rounds all over the universe, and is being met with many a different reaction! Imagine! Me! Stirring the pot!

But seriously, I've been thinking/ranting about this for about two hours now, and I've come to some conclusions that I think I need to get out there:

1. I do edit my thoughts on this blog. Yes, I know that the internet is available to all people and that anyone can read this (hello murderers and thieves!). I'm a very open and emotional person, and I share that in this blog. A lot. I also cry about every day, because of happiness and/or sadness. It's just who I am.

2. This is not just a place for me to talk about myself (although it is that), it's also part of my senior thesis for the ol' university. Yeah, all you GP people will be in it, but I will continue to shield your identities.

3. If you think that I'm sharing too much about you or something about you, tell me! I'll edit it! I will never edit my feelings or thoughts, but if I am making you uncomfortable, I'm never going to figure it out myself, so bribe me and we'll see what we can do! (Kidding. But only about the bribes)

4. I've cried a lot today about a lot of things, but I cried tears of relief and joy when I read an email from someone that I got in response to the blog-shenanigans of the day. I'm going to be EXTRA-covert about identities now, so to that person, thank you so much.

This is all I'm going to talk about right now because my contacts are squealing to get out, and I should probably shower. Or maybe just put on sweatpants. Yeah, sweatpants cure everything.

Review

I was thinking about the rant I just posted and I kind of disagree with what I wrote. Well, I do agree with it, because I wrote it in the first place for a reason, but I'm feeling less drama-queeny about it. I realize that I need to stop obsessing over whether or not other people take me seriously and if I'm ever going to succeed at anything. I'm to immersed in my own life to realize that these things that I'm crying over at completely trivial.

We're supposed to make goals for the week for our work, and I always say something like, "be more tolerant of other people," when really in my mind it's something like, "impress someone, anyone, you loser!"

My new goal for the week is to honestly, truly, care less.

I'm still going to do what I need to do, and I'm going to do it with a freaking smile, but I'm going to put less pressure on myself and others to be so perfect all the time.

Me and GOT

I'm feeling more and more like the biggest thing I've gotten out of the Greenpeace Organizing Term is the knowledge that I don't want be in the Greenpeace Organizing Term.

Well, that's not entirely true or fair, but I find myself getting more frustrated than inspired, and I keep wondering if I would have been better off interning with the HRC or NOW. Those are causes that I truly believe in, and that's the work that I want to be doing as a career. I do care about trees and whales and stuff, so it's really the attitude of a lot of Greenpeacers that depresses me.

There is so much out-greening going on in this community - and it's starting to really grate on my nerves. There really is nothing you can say/do/use anymore that isn't beheading Mother Earth. I really don't see the benefit in attacking another person's lifestyle, especially when it's over something like a brand.

I also feel like it's not okay that I feel this way, which is incredibly frustrating. I keep getting these pitty-filled glances from those who have heard me voice these concerns. Seriously, I'll be okay. I doubt that this program or people were going to open my eyes to my eco-discretions anyway.

The pity plus the feeling that everyone thinks I'm mentally retarded is starting to make me feel disdain for my fellow GOTers as well as our coordinators. I seriously get treated like I'm stupid ten times a day. Is it because I make jokes? Is it because I use Kiehl's bath products? What about me is stupid?!?! Because it's certainly not my intellect.

This is also kind of a sore spot with me since a meeting last semester when a professor told me that I "didn't need to act like I am not smart." What is this air of stupidity that I exude? You should really tell me, because I have no idea.

I'm basically just so completely sick of other people believing that they know me or can understand from a word or look exactly how I'm feeling. YOU CAN'T. But you can read about it here. Bwahaha.

Hmmmm...

Last week really got my morale down, and this week I'm sick, so I'm basically just feeling crappy and a little homesick. Sorry I don't have more positive things to write, but there isn't really too much sunny to talk about besides the weather. It doesn't help that I still haven't adjusted to daylight savings, so when I'm ready to go to bed it's looks like 4pm, and when I wake up the sun is just a distant idea.

I think the reason I'm kind of losing enthusiasm in the program is that I've realized now that this is not the path I want to take in my life. I'm much more interested in human-based, person to person activism. That may also be why I want to go to law school, so that I can be an advocate for one person or a group of people. Plus, I think that "Phase 1" of our program beat me down, and I was ready for it to end about two weeks before it actually did.
Now we're on to Phase 2, which is more about entering actual communities and working with people on what I think is a more basic level. Before we were working on the Berkeley campus, which was a little isolated and just made me feel like I was back at home. Our Phase 2 trip is going to be in Tuscon, where we'll work within the community to influence a senator/congressperson/something or other to support Arizona's global warming bill. I'm hoping it will be nice just to be in an actual community instead of the Greenpeace bubble.

Phase 3 is the international trip, which is to Hamburg. Germany was the only place I wasn't really interested in going to, but now that I know we're going there I've changed my stance pretty quickly. I mean, it's just so nice to know where we're off to, and I definitely need time to adjust to all things, but especially travel. Plus, I talked to Connie at Berkeley, who's an ex-GOTer, and she said that the international trip is basically three or four things for Greenpeace, and the rest of the time you can do whatever you want. That sounds VERY nice right now, as I'm missing independence more and more.

I think too another reason this program is draining on me is that I just think very differently than the other people here. It's so easy to get over-zealous and jump on a soapbox when you're working for an organization like Greenpeace. Add to that the fact that all we do is Greenpeace stuff, all the time, and I can really understand how others in the program believe that their activism is all there is in the world. I guess I'm just separating myself from it (maybe too much), and I tend to see a bigger picture that includes all of humanity, society, and the world. I've gotten support on this from other people that work in the Greenpeace office, but within the program someone who shares this point of view is really hard to find. In that sense, I think it may be not-so-great that the GOT swallows people whole, because it's so important to have a life outside this, if only just to remind you that there IS something outside this.

At least I hope there is, because otherwise I'm just as preachy as the people I rant about! : )

The Campaign is OVER

The Kleercut campaign in Berkeley is over, and I'm SO glad. It was getting pretty stressful at times, and I never really felt like I could express my true feelings about it. I still don't think I can, actually. I had a "check-in" with one of my coordinators today and I'm not sure I was as completely honest as I prefer to be, and I definitely don't feel satisfied with what I expressed. I just didn't feel like I could truly criticize something that this person had essentially created, but that was what I wanted to do. Still, like it or not, this is basically a job, and my coordinators are my bosses, and if I want to get something out of them I need to keep certain things to myself.

Granted, I do share a lot more than the average bear. I seem to be getting in trouble for this lately, but the thing about being completely open and accepting of who you are is that you don't really care when people trash you for it. But this contradicts the paragraph above, which is my problem.

I just realized that this post is very cryptic and strange, but I think that's because I'm still processing the last two weeks and trying to figure out how I feel about the myriad of situations (both professional and personal) that are happening right now. I just need some time and space to chill and finally see the Project Runway finale and not have to pretend that I believe everything Greenpeace preaches at me.Rant/question of the week:
Tomorrow we're having a "day off" in Muir Woods to celebrate the end of the campaign - but is it really a day off if you're spending it with the people/program that you need a day off from?

To Do: Smoke Less Crack

Did you hear the news? It's March! I don't really know what happened to February, because it went by in such a blur. Once, on the 20-somethingth, I wrote a check and said that it was the 9th. I think that is a good way to express how not-with-it I have been during this whole month.

As I mentioned in the last post, I'm back in the ol' apartment after a week in Berkeley. We have to go back (and back to work) tonight, but I'm pretending like we don't and instead I can sleep and watch Project Runway and eat cheese until the end of time. Anyway, to follow in this theme of brainless vegging, I'm going to do an itemized post of all the non-Greenpeace things going on in my life.

1. On Tuesday in the hotel room, I was about to put on moisturizer/sunscreen when I realized that it was all the way across the room. Kate's Olay NONsunscreen was right next to me. I used it and sat outside all day tabling. In turn, the one day in five odd years that I don't wear sunscreen, I get a peeling sunburn on my nose and chest. I was also wearing my Star of David necklace, and now I have a sun-tattoo marking me as a chosen person.Also, this photo was not edited or retouched in any way. I really do look this cracked out today.

2. I have developed a habit of eating approximately one block of Tillamook sharp cheddar a week. I realize that this may be a problem, but I refuse to do anything about it. Cheese has now become the cornerstone of my personal food pyramid.

3. Last night Kate and I went to a party at our friend Travis's friend's apartment. It was completely ridiculous, and I'll probably have to post about it later. Teaser: We met a thug named Dion who had gold grillz (top and bottom), and spent his Saturday night "shooting dice" at the bus stop.

4. It's my grandma's birthday today, so happy birthday Jozia!!! You're 79, but you don't look a day over 70. Also, Kate and I had gelato in your honor and took pictures. They will be posted soon!!!

The Campaign Trail

What's better than a campaign trip to Berkeley where you get to stay in a motel with your entire campaign team?

Answer?

EVERYTHING!!!

I took Ambien to take some of the edge off, so I'm going to have to keep this quick. Basically, we're all in Berkeley at Cal to run a campaign, our first. We're here for two weeks, but for this, the first week, we're going to p


That was as far as I got on that post last night. Oops! Anyway, I'm back in the city now, in my apartment and my bed and I could not be happier. I walked in and actually got a little teary - I didn't realize that I actually do consider Potrero home! I had also spent most of the day crying, but I'll get to that later. Right now I want to tell you all about the campaign trip.

We all went to Berkeley to try to get Kimberly-Clark products taken off the Cal campus. Kimberly-Clark makes Kleenex, Cottonelle, and a bunch of other stuff, and to make these products they clear-cut ancient growth forests in Canada. Kleenex itself has 0% post consumer recycled content, which makes it 100% UNsustainable. Our goal while on campus is to pass a resolution that would eliminate Kimberly-Clark products from the student union and the bookstore.

Each day of the campaign we all have to bottomline a certain "realm." For example, if I was the bottomliner for media, it would be my job that day to delegate who would write letters to the editor, call media outlets, and speak to reporters. I could also be the bottomliner for tabling, say, and I would run the table we set up on the quad to get people to sign our petition. We don't actually have a petition, we use individual postcards. These postcards have spaces for the person's name, phone number, address, and boxes to check if they want to get more involved in the campaign. Our goal is to have 1,300 of these postcards filled out by students and faculty by the time our campaign is over, and we're probably going to reach it before then. As you can imagine, those things are invaluable.

The one realm that I'm completely kickass at is class raps. A rap is the little speech that you give to a person or group to convince them to commit to your "ask," which in this case is to sign the postcards. Yesterday I was in charge of class raps and we totally blew everyone out of the water. My team and I spoke to 15 classes and groups and got just under 150 signed postcards. Plus, we had 22 people check the box indicating that they wanted to get involved in the campaign, which is golden.

The realm that I'm really not so hot at, though, is postcarding. I'm sure you've all seen a petitioner on the street (postcard and petition are interchangeable). They're the people who try to stop you and get you to support the decriminalization of marijuana or save the rainforests or whatever. They are annoying. We practiced petitioning one day in the Castro, and I was really uncomfortable with it. In training, they tell you to do things like "walk with the person," or "get in their direct path." That's molester behavior, and I am NOT comfortable doing it.

I thought I would be better at it on the Cal campus, because these people are my peers and I can better relate to them, but it was actually 100 times harder. I avoided this realm as much as I could all week, and made no secret of wanting nothing to do with it. Today, though, Ashley (bosslady) decides that I need to not only postcard, but bottomline postcarding. This means that I would need to direct my team and postcard all day. Oh hells no.

I was getting really worked up about it, because the reason I was so uncomfortable approaching strangers and asking them questions is because I'm afraid of them. I was attacked by a college aged man on a college campus in California. The bosses know this. Does it seem like I would actively want to make myself vulnerable to the exact demographic that I fear the most? They didn't seem to understand this, though, and it took a mini-panic attack and me scaring some students by bursting into tears while working with Gabe ("good cop" boss) to convince them that I needed a break. That break was finally had and extended into the rest of the day.

I think under normal circumstances I could have toughed it out and just dealt with being uncomfortable, but I crossed my emotional threshold yesterday afternoon. Today was not the day to try and broaden my boundaries. Plus, I've been working on feeling comfortable in public spaces for two years. Do these Greenpeacers really think that they can change that in the course of a few hours? Again, this is something I tried to explain to them, but they didn't really see it until I had a meltdown on the quad and started popping pills. Sheesh.

Anyway, they wouldn't leave me alone until I said that I would "work on" this problem. Like I'm not already in therapy. I told them about being attacked on day ONE, and you all know that I do not readily share this info (except on this public journal, of course). Again, like I said, it was mainly just terrible timing for this to be brought up, because normally I just deal with it. I was talking with Kate today (who had to go to the ER this morning, which is another post entirely, but FYI: She's okay!) and I said, "I'm used to not feeling comfortable. I haven't felt safe in two years!" I know how to deal with this, it's just that passed the line of knowing how to deal yesterday.

I'm just so happy to be back home now. I didn't know how much I loved this place until now. More later. I think tonight's Ambien is starting to kick in, and boy do I need it!

And the Enviro Guilt Sets In...

I have used the same Nalgene water bottle since either my sophomore or junior year of high school. It's been so long I can't even remember which. Ol' Nal and I were tighter than tight. It went everywhere with me. I even took to keeping it next to my bed for when I needed a drink late at night or wanted to down some Ambien. It had a recycling sticker on it that was all bubbly and weird looking from being run through the dishwasher. I had to replace the cap because mine melted when it touched the hot blade of said dishwasher. I had a little mouth guard too, because I was so fond of gulping, but not of impromptu showers. Sadly though, the days of Sarah and Nalgene are gone. All because of Greenpeace and my liberal guilt.Nalgenes are terrible, in case you haven't heard. I actually heard this a year or so ago, but I was already so attached to Old Blue that I decided it was hearsay. Turns out my denial could only last so long. See, Nalgene bottles, when heated, seep out some terrible gases that slowly rot your insides and kill you. Well, this is how Greenpeace staff members make it sound. (What alarmists!) I kind of figured I was doomed from growing up in the 80s/90s and eating Happy Meals and watching TV, and that Nalgene vapors were kind of low on the Things That Are Killing Me List, but whatevs.

Anyway, if you want to know more about how Nalgene is evil/homicidal, follow this link.

So the Greenpeacers are all anti-Nalgene. They're anti a lot of things actually. Now that Nike owns Converse I'm not sure if I'm allowed to wear my Chucks anymore. Oy. The point is, I have caved to peer pressure and bought a Sigg bottle today. Kate and I both felt the need for street cred and bought some eco-chic, Swiss made, $20 (!!!!!) water bottles. Mine is so hardcore and ridiculous though. Here's a picture:Hahaha. But seriously though, could you resist this? It's a skull and crossbones mosaic made up of graphics including: A razor blade, a pentagram, a pinup holding guns, a komodo dragon, and a hammer and sickle. Ooooh, anarchy was never so refreshing! The guy at whole foods told me there's also a matching skateboard for sale. LOL.

So now I am quenching my thirst the sustainable death-free way, while attaining the approval of my comrades, er, co-workers. I still miss my Nalgene, but I'm keeping it in a box in my room (which sounds totally creepy but isn't). Take that Greenies!

Lifetime Original Movie and Other Guilt

I feel kind of guilty about not writing more in this ol' thing. I keep mentioning how I'm completely exhausted most of the time, and how I don't even have time to call my mom, let alone write, but I still feel the glaring eyes of my admirers as I put off work day after day. Seriously though, I'm really going to make an effort to share more info. I know my nanas are thirsty for more news of their lovely granddaughter's adventures, and I'm pretty sure my parents are wondering what happened to me as well.

It's late here and (again) I'm super wiped, so I'll just do a quick post. Today I stayed in bed all day and vegged, in preparation for our two week campaign trip to Berkeley, where we will be working ungodly hours and trying to convince college students to care about something other than themselves or Facebook. Plus, we're staying together in a hotel for the first week. This is how I picture it going:Ok. I know I'm supposed to go in with a positive attitude and The Secret and blah blah, but let's get real here. 15 people. Working together all day. Sleeping together. Eating together. I've seen The Real World. I know how this is going to turn out.

And it's not like the stress is lessening. We keep getting more and more to do, and I still haven't had time to adjust to what we did a week ago. We do these check-ins with our coordinators every 1-2 weeks, and this week I told them I should only talk about things that happened over a week ago, because that's how long it takes me to process all this shit. But, as I mentioned before, once I do, I freaking love it and never want to do anything else. I'm probably just completely insane and I don't even know it.This week, our added assignments included going to the warehouse and making banners (pictures hopefully to come. I wore a jumpsuit), having a book discussion on our required reading (I didn't even read when I was an English major), and writing blog entries for Greenpeace's online campaigning push. I already write two pretty kickass blogs, so I was unperturbed, but this blog thing was kind of funky. We were all supposed to write two paragraphs as our individual entry, then email them to Linda so that she could choose the best one and post it on a Facebook blog, which is actually just a glorified message board. I personally feel that each person should have been assigned a week and written whatever they wanted for that week, but hey, I'm just a student. Plus, that would have prevented me (possibly) from writing the cheesiest thing ever for my blog entry. The story is true, but I got all emo/Oprah/Movie of the Week, either because I didn't take the assignment seriously or I was so tired I lost any kind of filter for my emotions. Anyway, here it is. Barf bags are in the pocket of the seat in front of you.

When you’re working with the same fourteen people for seven hours a day, in a room the size of some garages, it’s hard to get an idea of how the work you are doing affects the outside world. It wasn’t until I called a Greenpeace volunteer to ask her to attend an event that I saw how I could inspire others, instead of being inspired myself in a classroom setting.

This woman was almost in tears as she told me about how she filled out a postcard in class volunteering her time (and phone number!) to Greenpeace. She had then waited for weeks to hear back from someone, anyone, who could ask for her help. Finally she got a call from me, and it was at just the right time. This woman told me that she had started to feel exasperated by the entire environmental movement, believing that it was all talk and no action. My call brought back her passion, she told me. In turn, she also reminded me of the importance of the work we are doing, and that we can never give up.